Grey
by nine miles to go
Summary: Set after Season One. Jordan drops the bomb on everyone. Just when J.D. thinks things can't get any worse, a late night phone call changes everything. JDA.


**Grey **

Turk isn't back yet. I'd call, but right now I'm sort of in a daze. Besides, he's got his own problems to work out with Carla.

I think I could kill that woman. I really, really think I could. Who does Jordan think she is, walking in on all of us on what was supposed to be the best day of an intern's life?

I check my watch. Well, I guess that day is over. I'm officially a resident—12:04 in the morning marking my crossing to the other end. I feel like I should woop or celebrate, pop open a beer or something and call my mom. But none of that happens, obviously. Residency didn't matter at this point. This was about to start a year of absolute hell.

Everything was so perfect. Sure, we'd had our secrets. But that night Jordan and I slept together—that had been an honest mistake. How could I have possibly known? She wasn't wearing a ring at the time. Any lonely freak could have made the mistake. But somehow these creepy incidents just tend to afflict _me_.

Then again, it wasn't just me getting embarrassed. Dr. Cox having a crush on Carla and getting lied to by Sata—I mean, Kelso? That was a pretty hard blow. I wonder if Carla and Turk are doing alright. I mean, I'm sure this complicates things for them as well.

Speaking of complicated—Elliot. I thought she hated me. I mean, as a boyfriend, she hated me. Now that we've finally managed to revert back to our awkward intern relationship over at Sacred Heart, Jordan drops that bomb on me. Could it be true? Does Elliot still have feelings for me? I wonder if I have feelings for her. I _had_ feelings for her. I had plenty of them. But it wasn't enough for her, and I just finally let her go.

Things are so freaking complicated. To hell with everything.

So, here I am. Worst day of my life. Sitting underneath the kitchen counter in a drunken stupor, except there wasn't any alcohol involved. I'm just completely stoned on life. Maybe I _was_ drunk, and I hallucinated the whole thing. But Turk wouldn't let that happen to me, would he?

Well, there was that one time…

I shake my head. Not the time.

_Grey skies cloudin' up the things we used to see with wide eyes  
Maybe everything was meant to be this way  
Will it ever change  
Or are we stuck here on our own_

"You're right, Dad," I say aloud to myself, way past questioning my sanity. "I can't deal with women. Are you happy now that I've admitted it? Dammit!" I bang my head against the wall behind me resolutely. "This sucks. This just really sucks."

_Brrriiiinnnngggg! Brrriinnnggg! _

I leap up. The phone! Did someone else remember that it was our first day of residency? Right now I don't even care if it's Elliot. I'll just shove the awkwardness away. Somebody's gotta celebrate at some point, right?

"Hullo?" I ask immediately. Crap. That sounded really eager. I hope I don't sound like a socially deprived weird-o.

Oh well. Too late for that.

"J.D., hey."

"Hi, Dad," I greet my father. Speak of the devil. That was pretty creepy. But he remembered! He remembered my residency! Which is funny, because I don't recall mentioning it…well, you know parents. "What's up?"

He heaves a big sigh. "J.D., this is going to be hard for me to tell you, but you remember your little friend Sadie?"

I frown. "Um, no."

"Sadie…that girl…maybe that wasn't her name…Sadie Cameron?"

"You mean Kaylie Tamryn?" I ask, confused. "Of course I remember her. We still write letters to each other every month or so. How could I forget someone I've known since kindergarten?" I laugh.

"J.D., she's…dead."

I guess he didn't remember, then. I drop the phone and it clashes to the floor. Kaylie? Dead? How could Kaylie be dead?

My mind is swimming around in circles. Kaylie is dead. No, but there's no freaking way Kaylie could be dead. She just…I visited her last month…

Collecting myself, I pick up the phone. "S-sorry," I apologize. "What…what do you mean? How could she—"

"Car accident. She was in the dark and she ran into a tree. They think the car lost control…"

"It was that damn old station wagon," I choke. No. Stop it. At least attempt to be a man for a second, for god's sake. "She bought it really old. She shouldn't have. But it was cheap…she always…liked a good deal."

_It's all gone grey  
It's all gone grey_

_I found telling you the truth the hardest thing to get out  
I know it wasn't you that made me feel this way  
Will it ever change  
Or are we stuck here on our own_

"Are you gonna be okay?" my father asks, concerned. "I mean, I just wanted to let you know as soon as possible, since you two were so close and all. I'm really sorry about…do you need anything?"

Yes. I need a time machine. I need…I need to be able to go back and stop her. I need to quit acting like such a girl and suck it up. People die every day, after all. _Everyday. _

"No. No, I'm fine. I'll…I guess I'll write to her parents later. Thanks for calling."

I hang up without saying good-bye, sink back down to the kitchen floor and cry.

This sucks. This just really sucks.

Life just seems to hit you in the worst times. Smacking you when you're already down. I know it wasn't Kaylie's fault, but…how could she do this? Just go off and die someplace? I knew her longer than I knew Turk. I depended on her, she depended on me…she had been my best friend.

"God dammit," I say in a whisper, "why the hell didn't you listen to me, Kaylie? You had to go buy that stupid piece of junk…you had to move away and find a boyfriend. I'm sure he's pretty sad, too. I feel horrible for your parents. This sucks. This whole day just sucks."

I wonder about who treated her. I wish Dad had stayed on the line. I have so many questions. Was her death immediate? Was it a competent doctor? Was she listening to her favorite Madonna song when she hit that tree?

Was it the same tree we'd carved our initials into all those years ago? No, no, she'd moved. She'd be nowhere near our tree. Did she die alone?

I shiver. The apartment is suddenly too dark and creepy for my taste. I get up and flick on the lights, taking a deep breath. I'm still alone. Quit being paranoid. It's not that big of a…

Of course it's a big deal! It's a big, fat, horrible deal. Kaylie's dead. Hell, everyone's dead. Bet you a patient at Sacred Heart is flatlining as I think about this. I wonder who's on duty tonight. I wonder how I'm going to muster up the courage to go to my night shift in an hour after all of this.

I wonder about everything. Usually—embarrassingly—it's my downfall.

_And given one more try  
I don't know if I would stay  
I feel so much better now  
And baby begging me will leave you so empty inside  
So you shouldn't even try_

I don't know why the hour passed by so quickly, but before I know it I'm late to work. Not that it matters anymore. Dr. Cox probably won't ever speak to me again and I'll be lucky if I ever see Elliot's face, let alone speak with her.

I start the car. Oh, God. I don't know if I can do this. A strange fear grips at me, nearly suffocating me. Kaylie _died _in a car. Cars are deadly. We get half a million car accidents every year over at Sacred Heart. I could be next. This could be my last breath here in this stupid little piece of crap on wheels.

"Pathetic." I shake my head and get on my way. I'm already late.

I arrive in one piece, fortunately. See? No reason to be paranoid. It's all good.

"Congratulations! It's official!"

I nearly jump out of my skin. "Huh?"

"You're a resident!" the janitor explains. "The new idiots will arrive tomorrow and I'll have more people to harass. It's been fun, buddy, it's been real fun." He pats my shoulder.

Instinctively I pull away. "You mean…it's over?" I ask him, eyes widening. "No more trying to kill me and get me fired?"

"No more," he says with a certain pride in his voice.

"Um…wow. I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. I know, kid, I know." He slaps me on the back and I can't help but grin. Someone remembered.

"Hey, Twinkie," Lavern calls as I walk in. "You got something on your back."

Crap. Crap. Crap.

It's not over. It'll never be over. But I don't really care. At least some things around here will never change.

_I know every last regret inside of me is my own  
The Way I hold them close has made me be this way  
I will never change  
I know I'm stuck here on my own  
My own_

I check on my first patient of the evening after signing in and deftly avoiding Dr. Cox. I feel like a spy in my own workplace. This isn't going to work well.

"Mrs. Silvers," I greet her. "How is everything?"

"Fine." She cocks her head, giving me one of those grandmother-looks. "How about you, sonny? You look a little peaky, if you ask me."

"Who, me? Nah. I'm fine." I flex a muscle for her, plastering on my usual goofy grin. "Never better—check out my buff arms."

She laughs, rolling her eyes. "You boys," she reminisces. "You take care of yourself, alright?"

I roll my eyes right back at her. "Who's the doctor here?" I joke. "You're the one in here with the broken leg," I remind her. "By the way, how's that going? Any pain? It was cracked up pretty badly."

"Yeah, a little bit, but nothing unbearable. It was the scrambled eggs that did me in this morning. Talk about soggy."

I reach in my pocket and produce a Powerbar. "This is the drug I'll prescribe you for that," I say, winking. "I live off these during breakfast. I've got half a million in my locker. But lately they seem to be disappearing…" It was true. Like, half of them were gone.

"Oh, Powerbars are a big hit with my grandkids. They're all big athletes. I've got a swimmer, a crew member, a track runner and a basketball player—plus a little one that we're counting on for soccer." She chuckles. "Want to see some pictures?"

I look over my shoulder to make sure no one's watching. Behind me is virtually empty; I take a chance and allow the distraction. "Sure," I say, nodding.

She produces a string of pictures from the purse at her bedside. "Here's Caleb," she says, pointing to a boy with a basketball. "He's twelve. And here's Sam, with the oars in his hand. Great rower, that kid. Ah, and here's Tammy in the pink cap and goggles. We can't wait for her to get to high school—I see her on varsity. And here's the oldest, Carly, in her track uniform. Isn't she just a little doll? She runs the 100 yard dash like a pro."

I freeze. This Carly kid looks just like Kaylie. Brown eyes, freckles, dark blonde hair. Same height and build and everything. Kaylie was no track star, but…

"They're wonderful," I say, swallowing hard. "You must be really proud."

"You know it," she says, affectionately tucking the pictures back into her purse. "They might visit later. Drop by if you see them in here, okay? I want them to meet my wonderful doctor."

Wonderful. There's a laugh.

"Sure thing," I tell her, smiling. "Thanks. That means a lot. Tell them I said hi in case I miss them, okay?"

_And given one more try  
I don't know if I would stay  
I feel so much better now_

"J.D."

Oh, shit. I know that voice.

"D-Dr. Cox," I say, whipping around in sudden fear. "Please, please, please don't harm me," I squeak when I see his face. He's _pissed._ Pissed enough to refer to me as "J.D." rather that Sheryl or Annie. I'm scared.

"I'm not going to harm you," he says in an even voice, shaking slightly. "I'm just going to strangle you. Get in here. I want to speak with you _alone_," he emphasizes, staring down Lavern.

"Right," I say feebly, following him into the break room where we usually watch soap operas. He slams the door behind us.

"How could you sleep with my ex-wife?" he nearly yells. "How could you _do_ that? That's so…off-limits! That's disgusting!"

"I didn't know," I explain to him rapidly. "I'm really sorry, I had no idea—"

"You didn't _know_? How could you be in this hospital and not know? Holy shit, I have half a mind to kill you right now—if it weren't for the trouble I'd get afterward—what possessed you to sleep with a board member, anyway?"

"She made me," I protest.

"Oh, sure, she just _forced _you to get in bed with her in the on call room. I totally believe that."

"Um, you should."

He pauses. "Okay. That might have happened. But you had no right to go sleeping with her. Here I was, thinking you had good judgment…oh my God, Susan, have you seriously been _crying_?" he laughs cruelly, throwing his head back. "Oh, that's pathetic. I can't believe this. What kind of a sissy are you? You have sex with Jordan and cry like a baby when people find out. You have no guts, newbie, none at all. That's what makes you next to a worm."

"I wasn't crying!" I snap at him. No more Mr. Nice Guy. "Go to hell. I don't even care anymore. It doesn't matter, okay? We're just never going to get past this, are we? Just fire already. Get it over with."

"Fire you? I'm not going to fire you. Turn off the bomb, would you? I'm supposed to be doing the yelling here, not you."

"Well, you know what?" I open my mouth to defend myself, but then I change my mind. "Why won't you fire me?" I ask him finally.

"Because, despite you being a disgusting, two-timing moron, you're the best intern—"

"Resident," I assert angrily, jerking my head towards the clock.

"Idiot," he finally decides, "that I've got here. It'd be hard to fire you."

"I wasn't crying." My cell phone rings. "Shit," I mutter, seeing the caller ID. It's Kaylie's home phone number.

_Where did we go wrong  
I know you still hold on to me  
God it's time that you let go  
I gave you things I had  
That I cannot get back again  
But I'm better off alone_

"Hello?" I ask shakily.

"J.D., it's me…Mrs. Tamryn. Kaylie's mother."

"Mrs. Tamryn." My mind goes numb. Her kid just died. What does she expect me to say? I turn away from Dr. Cox, despite his miming strangling me.

"I'm so sorry," I tell her. "I…"

"You know, then?" She lets out a sob. "I don't know what we're going to do without her. I'm going to miss her so much…I just thought I should call you and…I can't believe she ran into that damn tree coming to visit."

"Coming to visit? She was coming to visit?"

"She had taken time off work to come and introduce us to her new boyfriend. He copped out, though, and she came alone…"

The bastard, I think to myself. I never would have done that to her.

"Mrs. Tamryn." I brace myself, taking a deep breath, and ask, "Was it the elm tree on Cranberry street?"

"Yes," she breathes in astonishment. "How did you know?"

My heart breaks. It was _our _tree. I've as good as murdered her now.

"I just…I don't know. I'm really sorry, though. I'm gonna miss her too. But I really have to go…I'm on—"

"At the hospital. Yes, Kaylie told me all about it. I always knew you had what it took. I always wanted her to…well, I actually just expected you two to be together."

Tears form in my eyes. Kaylie pops into my head, her innocent smile, her natural desire to help people and make the world a better place. She didn't deserve it. It isn't fair. "Yeah. Yeah, so did I. Thanks so much for calling, Mrs. Tamryn. I'll check on you later, okay?"

"Thanks so much, J.D. I always knew you were good kid."

I swallow hard. _Our tree. She died at our tree. I killed her, Mrs. Tamryn, I killed her. _

"Good-bye," I whisper. She hangs up before I do.

_It's all gone grey  
It's all gone grey  
It's all gone grey_

I don't turn around, but I can sense Dr. Cox behind me still. I try to squelch back the tears with all my strength, but I'm failing miserably. I wonder if this can get any more embarrassing.

And to think I was worried about making up with Elliot. We have all the time in the world. We have years and years left. Kaylie has nothing.

"Care to explain what that was all about?"

The sentence was meant to be harsh, but I can hear the concern mixed in somewhere with the sarcasm.

"Not really."

An awkward silence reverberates through the room. "Who died?" he finally asks.

"My best friend back home. She…ran into a tree it some shithole of a car." I end up making some sort of dying animal noise in an attempt not to openly cry. "I've known her all my life. I don't really know how I'm going to…"

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry," he says.

I really needed someone to say that just then.

"Why don't you just go home, take a break for a day," he offers. "I know…this has got to be a lot."

I shake my head, wiping at my eyes and turning to face him. "No. I'll be fine. I need to be here right now. I need…"

He nods. "I get it. I'm here if you want to talk, though."

"Thanks."

_(Grey skies cloudin' up the things we used to see with wide eyes  
Maybe everything was meant to be)_

My shift ends and I'm finally off. My entire body feels numb to everything. I spent a good deal of time talking to Mrs. Silvers, who demanded I explain everything when she saw me upset (she was up on her feet—how could I have expected to run into her in the bathroom?). She gave me a great deal of advice, though, and told me something that I've probably heard a million times that hasn't sunk in until this day.

Life is short. Take chances while you can and don't regret anything.

So as I walk out to my car, thoroughly exhausted physically and emotionally—perhaps even just a little insane—I locate Elliot in the parking lot coming in for her shift and run towards her.

"Elliot," I call after her.

She looks down and quickens her pace.

"Elliot, please wait."

She stops. "J.D., I'm really sorry Jordan said that and I know it's awkward and I really don't want to—"

"Elliot. I need to tell you because—well, because one of us could die tomorrow and then I'd never get a chance to." I catch my breath and then, standing in the middle of the parking lot with a garbage truck beside us and an extremely loud basketball game taking place in front of us, I blurt out, "I love you."

She stands rooted to the spot for a good fifteen seconds. "You…you what?"

"I love you," I repeat, "and even if you don't really feel the same way, I just wanted to let you know—I figured that I'd regret it all my life if I didn't—and if you don't want to do any—"

She grabs me and wraps me into what possibly could be the most suffocating, bone-crushing hug I've ever felt in my life.

Everything's going to be alright. I can just tell.


End file.
